Alright ladies and gents listen up, I've got a public service announcement to make about SPANDEX. Sounds innocent right? A fabric designed to stretch for increased flexibility and comfort. But in the wrong hands it can be evil; stretching to proportions unimaginable so that it's barely hanging on by a thread, riding and bunching up in the efforts to make it all the way around, and digging in to every available nook and cranny.... AAAAAAAAH!
Now, I know the leggings have been popular the past two seasons, but the weather is getting warmer and the leggings are being ditched in favour of the spandex mini dress. All you have to do is head out on a Friday or Saturday night and you will witness its atrocities. Those things should not be mass produced in a variety of sizes. It's just not cute.
So, to my sistas out there, do not dawn a spandex mini if
a) you have cellulite and it is visible through the garment
b) the spandex finds a home in the fold under your belly roll
c) you have spillage over the top because your flesh is trying to escape its tight grip
d) when you put it on, your friend made the scruchy face before she told you, "Girl, you look fine!" (by the way, she's not your REAL friend if she lets you go out looking like that)
e) When you walk, you've got to hold it down so that the world does not see your parracha
To my brothas:
What the heck are you doing buying this girl a drink or showering her with compliments? You are only perpetuating the problem. Shame on you!
Now, the weather is nice and I'm heading out on Saturday night. I'll be watching you.....
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Oh, and to the girl in the white spandex dress with the gold print on it last Friday (you know who you are), you NEED to invest in a full length mirror and some new friends. My eyebrows raised in shock and were stuck at my hairline until I could force them back into place.
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